I’m in a dark night of the soul. I’ve felt it for maybe the last six months or so and recently it has really hit me hard. Now, and on a few occasions over the last month or so, i find myself sensing an immense emptiness inside, a nothingness, loss of meaning, purpose, and motivation to do anything. What i once found interesting is no more. I literally sit and peer into my self and i am a shell of what i thought i was. What is the point of anything anymore? What does the kundalini actually mean to me? This is my second dark night in ten years since its inception and much more painful than the first. Is this all just a realization of the deep meaninglessness of the physical world and that the darkness i find myself shackled inside of, suffering from, is exactly what i need to to through in order to find some semblance of peace or love or purpose or whatever? I find myself crying alone these days and im not even sure why. Just out of the blue. Im angry. i feel dispossessed of everything and no real path to move forward on. I feel unsupported and uncared for In my life. I feel alone. I got a promotion at work, somehow, yet i dont even care. I hate chasing money. I hate what i do. i hate being stuck in this place im in right now. Its too much.
top of page
bottom of page
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's been 9+ months of Dark Night and I am in total exasperation. I had a recent experience at hospital where I blacked out, (I was losing blood), and all I thought was, thank god I'm going to die. Clearly I didn't. I came round, went home and was dealt another deck of life challenges. They seem to occur daily. It helps to know I am not alone in this stage of awakening. After the inital bliss of kundalini, it has felt really tormenting. I thought I had done the work, overcome historical problems, but they have resurfaced and it is extremely hard to be bothered to even try to overcome them again. It's like life keeps moving the finish line whilst at the same time it's taken away my energy, thrown in health issues, removed healthy coping mechanisms (exercise is no longer possible), and support mechanisms. If I had an honest conversation about what is going on, I'd probably be marched off to a mental health institution - spiritual awakening just isn't in the awareness of the people I know.
Because it became really long, I wrote a text on my website - https://spireason.neocities.org/The%20Power%20of%20Negative%20Thinking.pdf ..The Power of Negative Thinking. It goes more deeply through the points I was trying to make here.
something to dwell on...
I also think that the way people see the psychology - that if you have hardship, you are more sick, and if you don't have hardship, you are healthy, this is a sick way to see it. I can understand some doctors also say that healthy psychology is that you don't have pain in your soul - the perfectly healthy case is that you enjoy, but you also have pain, in this forms cycles; pain to take you further, and pleasure to get something out of it. So it's not a healthy psychology if it avoids all the pain, remains positive and keeps it's attention only on positive things, and keeps all the work and friends and communities ..I think this is an evolution of thought, the weak thoughts, positions and friendships die, and then the surviving part of you can be stronger.
I have the same thing, noone understands - rather they think if it's so long, something must be wrong with my psychology ..I think common people never pay, we don't pay taxes to get through dark night - those taxes mostly help people through way simpler nights; so I'm thinking why I pay the tax if they don't pay back - I would rather like to pay it to some church, which is taking care of the dark nights in the future (so that you can go there, and survive doing things what people with dark nights normally do).
But your negativism about the negativism ..well, you have to see it's feeling of emptiness, but not the emptiness itself you are talking about. The emptyness was there all the time, but you did not get the feeling of emptiness - so it was like a cup empty, but you cannot fill it, because it somehow felt full. This is the normal condition - the cup is empty, but it feels filled with juice so you cannot do anything to drink; finally you drink it and you are still quite empty as you did drink from kind of empty class. So the energy you need, definitely, is to feel that the glass is empty. This is why I'm kind of happy with people, who feel this emptiness, probably different aspects and different parts of the complete emptiness we have.
I think the society is really very empty, but it generally feels like it's meaningful and having everything - they don't feel it's empty. Thus, they do not have this negative energy, which is needed to fill that glass. Once the society starts to feel empty - people start moving away from their positions and create new ones, which are less empty.
So as we move further in infinity, we have to move infinitely far. This, in turn, means that once upon a time, we have to feel strong, positive energy of emptiness, which starts moving us to better positions - or making the positions we have better. So this feeling of emptiness, you cannot feel at once emptiness of whole infinity, but to move, you always have to feel the next part - this is your unhappiness of the condition; in infinity, you have to feel infinite amount of emptiness, which moves you to infinite heights. If you don't feel the emptiness, you don't have the energy to move on - it's quite confortable, you are used to it etc. This is what most of the people feel - they can manage, somehow.
But now look at the eyes of the skeptic - they have some silly thing to do, and then they look you with the eyes saying "why not", at least it's funny. So they play the silly games and they say "why not". They don't have the emptiness - with feeling of emptiness, you don't waste all your life to "why nots", but you get the energy, which is strong enough to move you further. So it's the energy of negative aspect wanting to unbecome, and it works like a fuel - normally you don't have fuel, so you stand still; if you get this fuel of feeling empty, you start moving further - so much further that you didn't even know this exists. As well, who is revolutionary, starts to feel the emptiness of the society - so he starts pointing it out, that people are perfectly happy, but they lack something; people can get angry and fight against the revolution, but over the years it turns out that indeed, they lack something. Revolutionary person is fueling the society as the things might be very, very good, but that personality still, over some time, starts to feel it's empty and lacks something important. So with this revolution, the society moves on.
If you are feeling empty, this energy is strong, it's moving you and telling you that you are not on the right place. It's mental energy, but you can see something good in it - what you have in the end, is better than the thing you had before feeling empty; you were perfectly happy and not moving, but it did not get better as well; or maybe someone offered something better, but you did not feel the need. So inside you, the storm of revolution is winding up the change to the positive. As you get there, you can see that the way does not end, so you enjoy some time - as if it's nothing if you don't enjoy at all, you never reach the infinity -, but then you start to feel that to get there in infinite amount of time is to keep going forever, so you feel again the emptiness. So as you have the energy, people like you are moving the society - positive people, who take pills to always keep this fake smile, they keep their positions, friends and routines, and those all seem to work, but those people never get anywhere, and in the growing challences of the world one day might die.
You can see that you are blessed by this feeling of emptiness - people, who spend time balanced, being both here and now, but feeling also the energy of the past unbecoming, they are moving on. So the society grows only if many people are feeling it's emptiness - so you cannot say this feeling is utterly bad, because if you don't get this feeling, the reality itself gets utterly bad; feeling bad about our current reality, dreams and aspirations - this is the very important job we do. It's like pointing the people their mistakes - some people get angry and hurt, but if you hide their mistakes from them, then suddenly they become really useless, and the people who have positive attitude towards this negative energy - they look more like losers, and maybe they start to say no to the possibilities and it's then hard for them to find any, but it's the only force we have. But as infinity never comes, we must constantly enjoy every step - so the feeling of emptiness rightfully goes away after every step, let's you to enjoy, and then you have it again. In life, you need to learn to enjoy this process, and you need to find people who accept it as a nature of reality - that it has positive energy becoming, but also the negative energy unbecoming, and both forces have to be strong to keep you going.
i guess the one thing in common with anyone going through it, is that if someone else hasn't gone through it, there is no way they will understand or believe.
Yes me too, I still feel like I would love to have those deep inner conversations with someone and explore our awakening. Sadly for me when I tried to share with others I am often given some curt replies and I have to accept that others/friends/family are experiencing life in a different dimension. This as like you can make me feel very lonely. The mirroring aspect of awakening is not there yet! Therefore I try and write or make videos.
not really. still the same, more or less, and still inside the bubble. ha, it's kind of funny that question. "hey, how's your dark night going?" anyway, "things we say now"... sometimes i just forget about it, with the lingering background noise of the ridiculous times we live in reminding me that life seems to have irreversibly changed. i'm sure that, to some extent, contributes to my inner personal stuff that is going on. sometimes i complain to myself, sometime to others, sometimes i just stare into the world thinking and feeling nothing, no connection anymore, detached, wondering...who else is out there in the same state of mind. i wish i could have an actual conversation with someone on stuff like this, without them trying to spoon feed me how i'm supposed to be or what i should be doing or being overly condescending in a supportive way, if that makes any sense. just listening, saying "ya, i get that" giving me their thoughts from their perspective in a neutral kind of way. just experiencing it for what it is and not much else, from like a real, pure, unadulterated human perspective.
i wonder if all this finding balance and peace and tranquility is an illusion, and that as humans, we will only continue to grow or evolve or whatever it is, when we are struggling and going through the difficulties. granted, because of our frail nature, we need brief periods of peace to recuperate, but then right back at it, so to speak. yet we are told by the system, that we should find peace. maybe that is the conspiracy, to hold us back from our personal growth and realizing our true nature. of course, the question then is, what are you taking away from all the difficulties? no sense in having them if you are unable to learn from them in some way. that's the pickle. think about it, we are told from day 1 by everybody to seek peace and safety and comfort. why is that?
Hi.. how’s your dark night? It’s some time since you wrote your post and I was wondering if you have made it through the other side? Any shifts or epiphanies? When I came through the other side I had some significant dreams that indicated the end of that cycle of my awakening. I would be happy to chat further if you think it would help? I hope you’re feeling and seeing life from a different perspective now!
Well I'm in the dark night period as well ..the most intense as well. I have worked out some solutions for my specific situation; but those things are probably different - shortly, I found new meaning in Buddhism Zen philosophy of living here and now, as I suddenly faced the problems it works with, as my life situation. I work on better fit with the material world, and this inspired me to understand Zen - I'm a Buddhist, but I didn't care much about those things before; now they seem to have a deep sense. Namely, to create my life attitude based on my abilities, achievements etc., because I put life into the future; I started to work with root chakra and this became obvious - people can live way better than me with way less work, because I tend to block things I don't deserve ..in past, good, but now as I'm 40 I start to balance this. This relates a bit to you as I also ran away from meaningless work - but now, I don't want to get back to this IT sector, but another kind; I want to convince myself that I really don't need to believe in all this business and capitalism thing so much, that I connect those meaningless places with my success - this is the Zen I'm doing lately, to not even care. I can see it's my inner block, not outer, that I cannot get money with things I feel meaningful. Also, I want to remove all the cliché of very high personality with demands to friends etc. - I think it's all too demanding. I search for the middle way ..for example I'm from the family of writers, but I don't want to push on all those intellectual aspects, but be more free in my choices.
I can see in my life - I punish and reward me myself. It's hard to notice, but I block all the things I don't "deserve". But the case is - the IT sector as I know it, it does not have anything to offer, I know that the psychology and some more things are permanent, and they don't fit me. Now living in the here and now is to change my attitudes, so that I don't reward and punish myself in such way, that I cannot live outside this sector - I like IT, but in my complete life it has to be achieved in different way. Also with people I have many barriers - now I want to let closer those people who actually win from my presence, and not keep myself for those, who would win if I had an enornomous success in IT - I hate some aspects of it so much that I really won't. It's possible I create something great in IT as well, but not in this IT world I have seen - so, I want to get free from those demands and requirements, and I change my attitude, behaviour etc. to become a person who obviously wants this different, and notably, simpler life. I saw already in my mind's eye that I will get the meaning back. I don't know whether this helps you, because I worked with my personal problem - but I can point out that the Zen attitude of here and now, when you are younger, you don't need it, but getting older and seeing the true life problems, it starts to make sense to me. I think when I was young I did not need any balance, it worked out somehow and I managed to always get some experience - but now I want this relax and calm, and it fits me better, gives a deeper meaning.
For me, too, there are several dark nights. Mine also get deeper, but I get stronger as well - and between the dark nights there are the bright days, which also always get brighter. I think I'm almost 10 years in the dark night for now :P Before was one of the brightest period of my life - but I see a deep meaning in all this, and I guess when it solves, finally, the meaning get's a lot deeper. In my previous dark nights, I also saw the meaning after they ended.
yeah, well, unfortunately it's all easier said than done. i kind of feel like neo (not that i'm the one), but in the matrix when the oracle says to him, something like, "you're waiting for something"...i know i shouldn't be waiting for something, that being and doing is the key. it's just doing it. been 12 yrs since the kundalini. this is what i perceive to be my 3rd dark night period. each one, it seems, is more intense than the last...and different. i used to write about this stuff as it happened, but not so much anymore. maybe i should start up again.
Be happy that you are blessed with the dark night of the soul!
This feeling of emptiness, this is a really good thing about spiritual awakenings, as long it does not get so strong that you cannot overcome it. It's a seed of the good deeds - you was as empty before, but you did not feel it. As you start to feel it, you deeply start to react, thus you suddenly get the empty part filled. So with this negative thing, you did not lose anything - it's not a loss, but a beginning to gain something ..a natural beginning of growth.
This ..about attitude. I think you need to see how negation, negative forces, are really fundamental to Universe, and they are mostly connected with one simple term: experience. The negative force is living it's life of unbecoming, and when this negative force in you woke up, became alive, it really blessed you. I like what Carl Custav Jung once said: you have to open up to all emotions, positive or negative, to enjoy the whole harmonics of your soul, the full spectrum. I have learnt the same. It's important to learn to live with negative and positive, because - if you are only positive, and manage to fight to the feelings of self-worth and happiness in their absolute forms, your growth would stop; but by principle of imperfection I invented (but probably I have read about this before as well, I just don't remember) you have to start feeling worse about your condition - this is a true life of negative force, it's principle of unbecoming; to unbecome, it must become alive and start to exercise it's force within you - with this force, it would manage to unbecome, following the irrational patterns of a negative force or feeling. Take it as your yin, female principle, the principle of change; it's the principle of matter as well - as it exists inside space and time, it's going to change, it starts from imperfection (the past) and flows to perfection (the future). You need to feel the Cosmic Harmony of the negative forces - they must be kept in balance, like any force, because in their principle they never become to be, but they do something irrational, their life cycle is irrational - and their life is their death, the pleasure such emotion feels is the complex, destined way it creates it's own death with clever tricks and things, which seem like devil's work. It's not to be forgot that Universe has negative and positive force, Shiva and Brahma, and perfection is made by those forces in interplay - not the positive force. The negative, indeed, has it's deeper meaning in unbecoming - but as you look at the process, rather let it be, let it grow and become stronger; as more experienced this feeling of emptiness becomes, as more it transcends into positive, strong force, which would energize and grow you by giving you meaning - but once you are ready and this negative feeling needs even more empty parts of you to fulfill, it can come back with original force, and get you through the same amount of pain, as it wants new heights you still cannot achieve in comfort - even the highest of heavens should still contains some of it, or at least this is how you should see the world.
See the symmetry, the perfection of balanced negative and positive aspects; and the ways negative, indeed, is a form of positive. You learn that this is the way of experience, the way of time - maybe you can even overcome bigger breakdowns by introducing the negative force to every moment of your life, so that you can have balanced feelings; as this force then transcends - paradoxically, you would be more positive person; your positivity would be deeper. Depth, I think, comes from negative forces.
Hello Mtgl70
I also found the Dark Night very painful because of the belief i was separated from my Beloved. Can't say i'm totally through this phase.
What i am experiencing now is the root of my suffering as well as my families being rewritten in Love.
Lament is a good word. That sounds about right. I probably lament over different things and certainly yearn for others, All part of the doldrums i find myself stuck in. I’m most bothered now by the emptiness I feel inside, because while i have at times felt alone and unaware on how to proceed in life, i’ve never peered inside and so clearly sensed The void i feel now, as if everything has already been extricated from my being, all that stuff i truly dont need or want, without necessarily me having anything to do with it, and now the canvas is blank in a way. The responsibility then now lies with me to figure it all out and rebuild, as if i already have it within me to go forth, i just cant see it. That unknowing is the misery, along with the fact i dont feel as though my old self is around anymore to at least prop me up to play the role. I kind of feel like its now sink or swim.
Hi, I read your post with interest and can relate. I have recently come through a similar experience and struggled to see any light which was obscured by emptiness and meaninglessness. I found just allowing myself the space to feel this was what got me through and i tried to tolerate the distress with grounding techniques, walking, breathwork.
I don't want to patronise you by suggesting and advising, yet i do feel pulled to ask you whether there is anyone you can spend time with to increase your experience of being cared about. Really glad you have reached out to the collective.
Hello and thank you for sharing so openly the challenges you are going through lately.
Whilst reading your words, I found myself thinking about the word, "lamentation" which sounds very old fashioned but I looked it up and its defined as an expression of sorrow, mourning or regret. I think it could be seen as a form of prayer, possibly. Maybe it was in the past.
I think, when we experience periods of difficult emotions or wrestling with our thoughts and our very selves, it does prepare us for expressing more peace and love in the World, as you say. Almost, as if we have to experience and express one end of the spectrum in order to experience and express the opposite.
Just sharing a couple of thoughts in response to your writing.
Jo