For a while when asked to share about my awakening story I usually share how it began when I was 17 years old and took the form of intense fear, terror and so many tears. I was given a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. Again in my early 3o's after the birth of my son, it came to visit again only this time it was harder. There was no place to run and the old ways of getting myself 'better' no longer worked. Over the following very difficult years a burning desire arose in me to know 'The Divine'. From then I was truly on my spiritual journey.
But what I have never really spoken of or shared was the real awakening which was an embodied awakening that happened almlostw 20 years ago. This was when 'the seeker' in search for 'The Divine' fell away. and I was Home in my body, grounded in the here and now. Present in my life with all its difficulties, joys and sorrows., seeing the beauty of nature 'knowing' I lived in an ensouled, alive world and universe and I was part of it.
This shift in consciousness I had to nurture, grow and create an environment for that growth. At that time I lived near the Phoenix Park in Dublin, a park that stretches for miles. This became my place 'to be' to connect to the aliveness and peace inside me in a deeper way. I walked in the forest and woods most days, moving slowly, in awe and wonder of the beauty that surrounded me. I cherished and nurtured this new and precious life that was unfolding in me.
New things began to happen in me. I had a real yearning to listen to Mozart.and went to the National Concert Hall to hear 'Mozart by Candlelight'.. I went alone, it had to be alone, I needed to let go of the old voices, people and ways of being in the world that drowned out my own life and voice. .Through the concert I knew why I had come, as I listened to the orchestra I could hear the Silence and Stillness between the notes, the place from where the music and beauty originates.. I began to follow my instincts and intuitions as they came alive in my body. This was my own inner compass, from here I began to live my life from the inside out. as I learned to trust myself., I grew to love classical music and went to the Sunday morning concerts in the Hugh Lane Gallery.. I also grew to love the poetry of Rumi, Mary Oliver and many others.
None of this was about getting anything or adding more to myself. It was probably more about subtraction and discovering what was already inside me and letting go of what didn't fit anymore. As I continued to follow my instincts and intuitions I learned to heed the wisdom that my body held. As I had been brutally abused in many ways as a child this was a real challenge for me. The more I came into my body the more my soul and spirit came alive, as did the traumas, unfelft pain and deep grief that was stored in my body.. This is an ongoing journey of wholeness for me, discovering the light and shadow and holding it in Compassion. This is how I heal.
It would be wrong of me to give an impression that this was and is easy. Life has presented difficulties from places I could have never have predicted or imagined. and I get blindsided many times. But would I change it? The answer has to be NO.
While on my walks and in many other ways inspiration would come. I started to paint,, words also came with the paintings. As I look back now I see the paintings were about calling my soul back home, My soul had fled due to the traumas. The painting stopped and poetry came. They trickled down into my consciousness , maybe just a few words or a phrase to start and then I would have to do my part of the work.
I will finish with this poem which is also part of the title of the last painting in the series of paintings I did that was called 'Back to Source'. .The Creation Story. In the Beginning.....
In the Beginning......
Now brings us back to Genesis
The Beginning
Our Essence
To Who we are
Without our stories
Genesis in the New Testament
The story of 'choice'
The opportunity to re-write
Old scripts of our lives
Into Love stories and stories of Love
Ending at the Beginning
Leaving Space
For Life to unfold
And a new story to be told
A story if Love - A Love story
Now in the beginning.......
And so it goes
Our Beginning is Love
And Love is our Beginning
The New Creation Story - A New Story of Love.
copyright 2011 Marian Reilly - Inside Colours
Similar "upbringing "..
Would I change anything? No.
Would I have prior to awakening..absolutely. desperately.
Like the old anti drug commercials. You're brain on drugs is like these frying eggs.. Let that baby fry until it burns and turns into carbon, and that's the end of that.