When I was 16 my brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Doctors let us have hope though they had no idea what was really going on. We held that close thinking of the small daughter he had in tow. Something inside of me though told me definitively he would not live. It did not come with “bad” or “negative” feelings but simply given to me as a fact of life. I’d dreamed repetitive dreams my whole life that someone in my family would pass a way from unexpected causes (my brother was a health freak and died of cancer.) In my grief I hopped on a one way ticket west bound while he was in remission. I knew he wouldn’t want me to hold my life back. From there strange experiences grew.
Trigger warning
I had a deep desire for the forest. While I’d always had a connection this came with extreme force beckoning me further into the wilderness. I joined a guide training program where I found myself having laughing fits seemingly out of the blue, largely due to the energy whizzing up my spine for no apparent reason. These beginning awakening calls of kundalini along with spontaneous psychic insight continued happening for several years. Eventually I felt a guide, a high frequency energy of some kind, divine and angelic in nature, ask me to be of service. They told me repeatedly that it would be hard. They ensured I was ready for the trajectory my life was going to take before catapulting me into a full psychosis which lasted 4 months before being forced into psychiatric treatment.
The treatment I received severely lacked any sort of psychospiritual support with aggression that was out of proportion to my presentation. This triggered my nervous system into a catastrophic state as it mimicked a gang rape and abduction I’d been through in the past, my mind could not sort the difference between the two and my body was in complete terror. In that I watched my spirit leave my body into the abyss with a a dark cloud surrounding it. I suddenly gained insight into the battles we face here on earth with deep understanding and almost too much compassion, I couldn’t even be angry with those that hurt me.
When I returned a friend guided me to a healer who started working with me. She unknowingly blew my system open again through Reiki. I had little help grounding it as she had not walked this labyrinth herself. Due to the nature of my dissociations this relationship shattered further hurting me with a difficulty in trusting helping relationships.
I was fortunate to find a dedicated open minded therapist after only five different ones that has offered relentless support. We have worked through somatic experiencing to heal the nervous system allowing the kundalini energy to ground. Psychiatrics made it hard to trust but Cheryl stayed with me every step of the way even when so doubted her or struggled to trust her or tried controlling the situation nervous that grounding the kundalini would send me into another psychosis and soul fragmentation.
Now my nervous system has settled and I in my body. It is the sensation of fullness in my body. I am home.
The road is not done though. PTSD has come with some after effects like social anxiety to work through, afraid of triggering the past, and desensitization to “protect” me from people who might hurt me again with a touch of derealism. It’s a work in progress but I feel my spiritual gifts settling more and more every day with sense to my awakening, the good and the bad, as well as with rekindling my connection to community through community work.
I vibrate with your sense of good and bad. You took the adventure, instead of straight walk to lower bliss, and I don't see the blackification of problems of body and mind, which are typical problems here - the sound people make when depressed or sick, it's not over the good and bad, and it does not address the psychic experience, where the problems, which appear, are rather the calls and deeds for solutions. So it's a jungle for you, not a paradise island :)
I also support that we need people ready for awareness to go through process of awakening - it's like having two problems, where people, who get depression in process of balancing, would see it as the end of the world. In this mental world, we need heroes, who go through jungles, climb to Mount Everest and see the future at stars; otherwise, we reach the stone age of psychic world when creating the civilization in material.
As we heal ourselves, we also heal others, with what is worth the most - the experiences of success; or, a little, even the ones of failure. Whether we success or fail, we are parts of the harmony of Cosmos, and we cannot be different. In the end, the Cosmos would learn from the experience and enjoy the result of being through; it would definitely award us with new problems and solutions. In general, we go up - there is no other way in Cosmos.
Thank you for sharing this - it makes me feel a lot less alone about my own experience. Much love to you.