"kundalini" type awakening initiated through spirit connection

My awakening story (sorry it's so long!)

A long time ago, When I was 17 my first boyfriend died in an accident. I witnessed his death and it was very traumatic. I had felt very connected to him. It felt at times he was able to understand me almost telepathically. Which was helpful as I was shy, introverted and high masked autistic although I didn’t know that at the time. His death caused a huge amount of pain and a kind of existential crisis in me. In the days before his death I had become very worried he was going to die in an accident. I had spoken to him about being worried and tried to get him to be careful. I felt guilt for not being able to prevent his death and confused about if it was possible for me to have really known something in advance of it happening. I held this all inside for so many years telling no-one.

After his death I felt his energy around me very strongly for three days. This was confusing to me, as I came from an atheist upbringing and despite being very sensitive I had always had a ‘logical’ frame of mind. When I looked it up online I found articles saying this was normal to feel this after a bereavement and a result of the trauma. Over the many years after, I would occasionally feel his energy again, always at important points in my life. Sometimes it felt like it's trying to warn me, sometimes to comfort me. I never spoke of this to anyone and it created a split inside of me. I carried on as not believing in anything after death, but always remembered these encounters. I then went through more trauma which disconnected me from my body. For many years after this I no longer perceived energy and mostly forgot about these past experiences.

During the pandemic I took an online mediation course.  This mediation course brought my attention to how disconnected I was from my body and I began a difficult process of trying to reconnect with my body. About 6 months later, I felt his energy again for the first time in maybe 10 years, it came with a vision of his eyes looking into mine and a feeling of his eyes helping remind me who I am at a deeper level. Following this I felt totally overwhelmed with the past trauma,  and also many other traumas were coming up to be processed at the same time. I believe this experience was the start of my DNOTS. My sister passed away a month later. Before I received the call to say she had passed I had already felt an energy around me. This experience was a turning point, because I knew I had felt something before hearing the news so this could not be explained away rationally this time. I started EMDR therapy for the resurfacing traumas which produced very strong convulsion type reactions from my body as the trauma released. We made good progress in healing the trauma, However, over the next year his energy kept appearing around me for short times. The energy was loving and comforting but it was also very difficult for me because I felt like he must be wanting to communicate but I couldn’t understand. I would have dreams where he told me something important but I couldn’t remember it on waking. The only thing I could remember he told me was that “we all have souls”. I didn’t understand why this was happening so many years later and felt stressed because I have a long term partner and this felt strange to experience at this point. My partner was the only person I told and he was very understanding. After over a year of more frequent experiences I reluctantly booked in to see a medium. I felt that if these experiences were not real I’d definitely gone ‘crazy’. The medium was extremely accurate and gave me the proof and validation I needed. She spoke about how he had been trying to reach me. Part of the message was that we were soulmates and he wanted to validate the strong connection I had felt, but he was also encouraging me to fully open my heart with my partner and enjoy life move on knowing that we’d always been connected and I could now let go. He wanted me to let go of the feeling of guilt I carried about thinking I should have been able to prevent his death, saying there was nothing I could have done. I also heard from my sister which was also extremely accurate and healing. I was in a state of shock and happiness after the reading. I felt the internal split over my past experiences of spirit connection healing. One night following this, I woke up to my whole body vibrating. I felt information coming into my head through my forehead. And I got up to needing to write it all down. I wrote so much but but in the morning I couldn’t remember what I had written. When looked through, I was amazed by it, but one thing stood out to above all else. Just a few lines on a page of it’s own…It said. “I am deeply whole, I am the same as everyone else, we are one, but we’ve forgotten who we are”.

I had no background in spirituality and it seemed quite strange to me, yet very important to me.

In the week following I went out in the night to be in the park to try ground myself. I was sitting on bench, and someone said to me that they could see someone behind me, they asked me, can you see them? I was scared to look around, and when I did I saw no-one. It then became clear she was talking about a someone in spirit.  She then said he’s walking up to her. She then froze and started delivering messages. This was a very different experience from going to the medium. It felt intimate and overwhelming. Again he referenced things that no-one could have possibly known. It felt very sad and beautiful and overwhelming like we were finally getting a chance to say bye to each other after so many years. Afterwards the woman told me that my health would get better. (I had been ill for over 10 years).

I thought this was the end of the weird experiences. However that night when I got home I felt his energy again. But this time it was so overwehlmingly strong similar to what I felt in the days after he died so many years before. There was a loving energy surrounding me. Helping me with the shock I had just been through. I felt healing energy coming into my body all night.  I felt conflicted again and. I messaged the woman who had delivered the messages earlier and she said not to worry. She said I was going through a transition and to enjoy the energy while it’s there. She said part of the energy is also coming from me and my own healing. I felt the energy for around 24 hours. I knew this was a kind of goodbye and healing at the same time. For the next three days I felt in a different state of consciousness. I felt very connected to everything. It was too overwhelming when I was inside the house but when I left the house and went into nature it was amazing. I felt a strong connection to trees and could see auras around them. My vision changed and everything looked very HD. I felt so alive and I could not feel my usual aches and pains. I felt extremely light, like there was no gravity. I wrote a lot during this period and a lot of information was coming in to me. I kept saying again and again “it’s all so perfect” I could look at all the trauma I’d been working on and see the perfection of all my experiences good and bad. It felt like everything in my life had been leading me up to this point. There was a celebratory feeling of having finally made it to a point I had been working towards without realising. One night at the end of the three days. I felt it all stop. I felt a disconnection and dropped back into the heaviness of my body. I felt sad and didn’t understand what had happened. My vision went back to normal. My aches and pains returned. But I felt changed forever for having experienced it. I felt hugely happy to know the people who have died are continuing on their journey and that there is so much more to life. My partner also experienced some energetic things during this period, which made me feel closer to him and that he understood what I was going through was real. I felt very nervous to tell my EMDR therapist about what had happened. Thinking she would not believe me. When I tried to explain to her over zoom the connection broke as I was talking, she said during the break in connection, she felt an positive and calming energy come over her and reassuring that I was OK. She found it very strange but took it well.. I also felt supported by something beyond me in the period after. I would get very anxious but then feel like I was getting support in my sleep from something, perhaps guides. I felt like there was a lot of reassurance to not to be scared of what I experienced.

In the year following I felt ungrounded and needed a lot of time in nature. I would sometimes get glimpses of the reality I had experienced. E.g.  My vision would very briefly go back to HD and I’d be back in the state of awe for a while in nature. My connection to trees remained strengthened. I could not see auras around them anymore but I could feel their energy in a way I had never experienced previously.

The biggest change however was that there was an new energy awake inside of me. I could feel vibrations which were mostly constant but sometimes would leave for weeks at a time and then return. I also felt energy coursing around my body like water flushing out debris. I found out about awakenings and realised that was what what happening to me. However I didn’t relate it to Kundalini and was scared by the articles about kundalini that I had read and decided not to read any further. However, A year later when I restarted the final part of EMDR it felt different to before. The tapping was taking me deeper to an almost shamanic type experience. After sessions my vibrations would become very strong and overwhelming. Then in the days before one session I felt the energy collecting around the base of my spine. I felt anxious because of what I had read about kundalini. My therapist didn’t know about kundalini but we decided to work on my fear of Kundalini with EMDR as it was getting in the way. As I tapped and I turned my attention to the energy, the energy started to shoot up my spine and hit a block in my neck only to come back down and then try to rise again and again but it could not get past the block. It was so powerful and overwhelming and in the days after I felt a burning around my spine. We decided it was best not to continue with EMDR.

Over the next months I started getting kriyas as the energy tried to clear my neck blockage. I then joined the kundalini collective ;) It helped me so much to get over my fear and accept what I’m going through. I also feel speaking about my experiences helped me to shift the block in my neck.

It’s a lot more settled now. The neck blockage is cleared and the energy goes up to my head at least several times a day where it feels like it's doing some work. I feel I’m past the worst of the trauma release. It felt like the energy stayed below my neck until I had processed enough trauma for it to proceed upwards. My health has improved in some ways, my body feels stronger but I still have huge fatigue, which I had already before the awakening. I hope my health will continue to improve as things progress. The whole experience has been hugely healing and life changing. Extremely challenging and extremely rewarding. I had a very strong feeling at the time of the awakening that I am meant to share my story to help others and this will become a kind of ‘purpose’ for me. But it’s been hard for me to share because of worries of not wanting to upset anyone related to my former boyfriend. I’m partly sharing here for to test the water to see how it feels. So thanks for this space!

Here’s an image I made of my experience. In my dream I saw an image of our hands holding in an otherwise completely black space, he told me “we all have souls’. When I woke I could still feel his energy strongly on my hand as if he had been there with me. It was the final straw before deciding to go to a the medium!