Lost and Found

People have told me I was crazy most of my life. They could never get me and therefore thought I had to be a bit mad. At some point I even believed that myself, that there was something wrong with me because I could never fit, I never seemed to agree with anyone. I wouldn't meet people's expectations. My priorities and my ideas were totally different, no one has ever been able to make me do things other way than my own.

On top of that I couldn't really call myself successful. Every project failed or I would simply lose interest. When I wasn't changing studies I was moving countries, or careers, or friends, or everything at once. One of those times I found myself living in London for 2 years. My intention was to have some time to think what to do next and learn English properly in the meantime. It worked but I also had a sort of revelation one day (talking about crazy stuff).

It was early morning in the City before work when a golden light appeared around me. I have never had hallucinations of any kind but people walking past me could also see it and they would stop for a second and look around me with incredulity (ok, cool, I was not imagining that). That's when a thought popped up in my head, something that didn't come from my own mind. "Your laughter will be taken by the winds to the four corners of the world." It felt like destiny, a promise. In the end the light happened to be the morning sun's reflection on a window that was being replaced on top of the building across the square, yet the prophecy felt real to me. It was a magical moment and it gave me hope.

Some years later I came back to London and surprisingly found a job in the building where the window was being changed that fatidic day. I had given up on myself though, nothing had worked and I was convinced I was the only one to blame. Having stayed true to myself had only served to make me despair. There had to be something wrong with me after all. Then a friend from my hometown asked me to do an IQ test. She was gifted and somehow she thought I was too, she told me that all the weird stuff in my life could be explained by that simple fact. I didn't want to believe it at first but she made a point that I had nothing to lose.

Right after that I started to feel a pressure in my chest that would wake me up in my sleep, I felt skittish and jumpy. Didn't know what was going on. I assumed it was just nerves about the test. It went on for a month and I was contemplating going to the GP when the results from MENSA arrived. I wasn't expecting it to be true and I didn't know how to react. I could see my whole life under a completely different angle. I didn't feel guilty for making the choices I had made, the pain and sadness of decades of not being understood were lifted from my shoulders. My life was not a failure any longer, I wasn't a failure! I felt so grateful. I remember I put the letter aside and tried not to think, it was too much to handle at once.

Two days later I woke up with a gasp. It felt as if someone had turned the power up to full. My lungs were encased in a sort of energy field that I could feel physically, like a gentle pressure. My breath was shallow and fast and I was awake and lucid like never before in my entire life. But the most strange thing was a sort of engine spiralling just below my sternum, spinning absurdly fast right outside my body or generated by it somehow. For the first few minutes I thought I was having a heart attack but it felt... good! Not only I was full of energy, I felt so powerful and ready to face and do anything. I felt free, free to do anything, free of the past, free of worries. I was present, there and then, every second. Everything felt new: breathing, walking, images, sounds... And it was all so interesting and fascinating. All my senses were heightened far beyond what I had ever experienced. I felt so alive and so grateful, life was a miracle of a gift and it felt like somebody had slapped me awake for the first time so I could live it to the fullest. Soon I learned that if I concentrated on that vortex and burned some energy in that point a wave of pleasure, better than a full body orgasm, would originate there exploding outward to my head, fingers and toes. I could do that as many times as I wanted! I felt drawn to fix past mistakes and no to make new ones. Truth was a high order. Somehow everything seemed to be as it was supposed to be, everything was just fine. Love was everywhere.

This feeling wouldn't leave me, it was full on for 10 weeks. I could feel it moving inside me, going in my head and into my brain, as if it was rearranging me inside out. I would walk straight with my head high, it would correct my posture. It kind of had a mind of its own, I could tell when it didn't like something or it would pull me towards something it liked, whether they were actions, thoughts, things I saw or heard... I became even more empathic (especially to people's suffering). It was pure bliss, ecstasy. Every now and then I had to close my eyes and meditate, although I didn't know back then that's what I was doing.

As soon as I realised it was beyond my ability to deal with that new state I searched for help. Now, me not being a spiritual person I thought it was giftedness that I was dealing with. Of course there was something otherworldly about it but it was the only rational explanation I could find. I joined an association and they offered coaching services. My coach was incredible and I learned a lot about myself but there was something missing. She didn't coach me with the awakening but she pointed at it and I heard people at the association mention "satori" when I asked them about how I was feeling, yet none of those answers would match what was happening to me. I was having a (mostly) physical experience, not a fall of the self or the parting of veils of reality. This had become the only thing that mattered and my coach couldn't help me with it, so I eventually stopped our sessions, feeling a bit lost but hopeful.

Not everything was positive though, some people would react negatively (or should I say, overreact), particularly those who were not at peace with themselves. Eventually I had to leave my job and even the place I lived. I moved in with my brother and my sister-in-law but she started screaming at me out of the blue one day and I had to leave the house. At that point my stress would translate into physical pain and I begged for it to stop, so it did. After 10 weeks of pure bliss it started to recess and I felt lost, as if I had failed it somehow. The only times I felt the energy again it was far diminished or in the shape of intense pain on my chest. For one year I tried to learn about awakenings, joined a non-duality group, read articles,... Nothing. The flames had gone high but left me with ashes, I lost my drive. It was as if I didn't know myself any longer and was simply drifting away.

I started meditating and somehow a sort of peace fell on me. That's when I heard about Kundalini and found Bonnie's site. After reading her books and having an assessment with her all my doubts disappeared. I had found all the answers I needed. Looking back I have to admit Kundalini went really easy on me, I have been extremely lucky. My journey now leads to inner peace and finding a higher purpose but I have all the tools I need and the confidence that it's all going very well. I feel like the luckiest man on earth.