Hello. At present I fear the resistance and control more than I fear the symptoms, and due to this fear, the control occurs and had conquered every second of my life since I went into a process of controlling the control''. A certain pattern of energy movement plus it's specific resistance is triggered by fear or by the power of the context - if it happens when I make a tea, it'll happen again at seeing the tea pot, or it's enough to think of it if I fear it, and it occurs. The more I try to release control, the more it sticks to me. The mind struggles to surrender, but under the pretext of calming the body, it supresses the energy. My natural impulse has always been to channel the energy, when I create something I can feel how good is to let the energy flow, but the mind fears of what may happen when I stop ( it seems like the energy never consumes, I cannot manage the situation when I stop). When I intend to live in the present moment (as a direct surrendering to my true self) a big blockage occurs as the energy goes to the mind, and it forces my subconscious to absorb and consolidate what I see as being the present moment, it forces my brain to avoid thinking of the energy, or I mechanically (at best, because at worst I'm frozen by fear and dispair) keep uttering the words ''I live in the present moment". When it comes naturally, I can see the beauty of this world, the magic of what it is, I feel like I love my live and I can enjoy every moment of it, so I don't understand why I struggle to get something I already have. Even if I intend to live in the present moment or observe it, I don't understand why the blockage appears since, as I said above, I feel like I love the sense of presence, it's not like I have an impulse to eat something unhealthy or buy something and I feel cold towards the present moment. This has very bad effects on my body as it enters into a freezing state, and on my mind as reinforce the obsession for breaking the pattern. No matter how healthy a practice may be and how much I feel like doing it, I push huge amounts of energy / force things wherever my intention goes. Even when I manage to flow with life, once the mind notices it, it starts the struggle to figure out what thought triggered that acceptance, to consolidate it and so on. Which is not harmful when I do it slowly and gradually, but sometimes the mind tries to force its consolidation and the energy remains blocked at the mind level and it's very difficult to descend it. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!
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I'm so glad its resonating @Claudia Barbut ...
Your experience sounds similar to mine so I'll share a bit more about some of what I've learned...take what works and leave the rest!
For me, the spaces my mind avoids or flees from (usually up to the head but also sometimes references to other body parts...like a sort of warping from, for example, my left shoulder to my right, to avoid my heart space) are holding trauma that has been dissociated. Its too big and painful to witness in all one go. There are many such "blanked out" spaces in my body that seem to reflect or bounce away the awareness.
The mind's habitual way of witnessing is from outside looking onto a form (more eyesight oriented that bodily interoception). It is the narrative of what happened: when, where, who, why, how, etc. All of that is too much for the mind though...that's why it was dissociated.
The Kriyas (specifically those that are naturally occurring, spontaneous, and body-led, vs proscribed Kriya Yoga techniques, which are more mind-led) are the way the Body shows the impact of the trauma without requiring the intellectualization. Its like the relationships between parts of my body have been so disturbed by dissociation and trauma that K is folowing the tracks of those rips, and "zipping" me back up...sewing me back together...its very healing. Sometimes waves of heat are released, or emotions, or there is shaking. All good, but can get overwhelming.
With time and practice, I have found a method of collaborating with K, but early on, some of the releases were so large that I was highly destablized. I didn't understand what was happening yet, and so lost touch with consensual reality. Its good you are here and have a community. It may also be good to have other life lines, and maybe a trauma-informed therapist who you can connect with if memories start to come up that you maybe didn't know were there. IIt'samazing what can hide in our tissues without our concsious awareness. If you have some of that, and its ready to come out, that's amazing! But its good to have a support network if it becomes overwhelming.
I have found it helpful to establish a regular cadence of blocking time to let the Kriyas do what they need. For me is once a week, as I need time between session to integrate what has shifted. Sometimes the session are brief, but I have had sessions go on and on and on (12 hours was the longest, and I had to take an anxiety med to "turn it off" so I could sleep). The more regular I've become, the more manageable the Kriyas and energy has become. It's like there's increasing trust between mind and body that both needs will be cared for.
I don't know how you feel about plant medicine, but I have found a few allies though my work... Hape helps "containerize" the kriyas when it's time to close out for the week. I use that now instead of anxiety meds It seems like the plant medicine is teach my system how to do it itself - I need less to get the same effect over time (e.g. - calm, stillness). But go gently into any meds and use good discernment based on your constitution.
Over time, as I have processed out the trauma, incredible healings have begun. Many life long chronic conditions are improving gradually and structural imbalances (including. my bunions) are correcting. Its amazing and so rewarding, and has utterly transformed my relationship to my body.
There tons I could say about this, and how its evolved over time, and the role external body workers have played, but this is long enough. I hope something here resonates. Best regards, and happy healing.
Hey Claudia, I really feel for you! What you describe sounds a lot like something I went through. You have described it rather clearly. It sounds like you know what it is like to surrender, but there is an energy active in your system that interrupts your natural presence and flow, such that naturalness feels impossible to access. My number 1 piece of advice would be to find someone to work with 1:1. Either someone who can work with this controlling energy on a spiritual level or someone who can support you to find presence in your system again and to process things in an embodied way. Personally I worked with both - a really good spiritual healer and a craniosacral therapist. I found it to be a step-by-step process.
If you like I am happy to meet with you on a short call to discuss.
Wish you all the best with it.
Charlotte
Hey there Claudia. a few thoughts arise in reading your message... First off, do you experience spontaneous physical kriyas? It reads to me like your body is asking for them so I'm going to suggest a body-led method that has helped me through some blockages many times by activating and making space for kriya movements
Here's what works for me: When I feel calm, grounded, and safe enough, sit down somewhere and gently place the point of awareness in the body where the blockage seems to be. See if you can feel the route your awareness takes from your head into your body. If there are places that your awareness doesn't want to go, simply note those along the way, mapping which chakras they may relate to. Once you can find your blockage within your body, listen in to it (just simple, quiet attention) and see if anything comes up... memories, emotions, unpleasant sensations (for example, nausea is common for me). Or you may notice there's pain there you hadn't noticed before. Listen in to see if your body wants to move in specific ways. Sometimes it wants to go into the pain, like a slight tugging sensation....intensifying it before it can release. Once the kriyas start, the body is able to release trapped trauma, which is the "yoga" (yoking) of mind and body.
You may have some pain or fear underlying the control stuff. And it may be there's a reason your body is unable to let go of control. If that's the case, Kriyas can help so much!
Let me know if this resonates at all? Happy to share more if its relevant.