Trauma, Alcoholism and Kundalini

I grew up on the Catholic side of West Belfast in the 70’s 80;s and 90’s. Unbeknown to myself, trauma commenced to store itself in my very young fragile body. Scenes from the war torn streets of Belfast were itched into my psyche, as were the memories of the physically and psychologically abusive teachers and Christian brothers in the school classroom. I wasn’t to know for many years that my psychological fence had been broken and life was going to be extremely difficult for me.

Like many of my peers, I turned to alcohol in my adolescent years. Already looking for a way to escape from the chattering voices in my head and the body full of sick emotions that I would often not be able to escape from. The downward spiral of alcoholism was in full swing. Life moved quickly from one psychotic episode to another, the pendulum swinging from emotionally unstable to looking like some who was doing ok in life. Sports saved my life, playing soccer and Gaelic sports was a great distraction from the inner turmoil that seemed like it could explode and send me into insanity at any moment.

I often felt If I could only get out of the crazy environment of Northern Ireland, the abnormal politics and religious indifferences then I’d have a better chance. In 1997 I immigrated to New York, thinking that would be a big step in me finding happiness and maybe some peace and quiet, the illusion of the exterior fixing the interior. All went well for a time, but shortly into my New York endeavor, I was to hit the biggest bottom of my life up to that point. I was 23 years old, drinking most days and nights, and totally lost in my life. I had what I can best describe as a nervous breakdown in NY, left with no other option but to return to Ireland. I continued to drink for several more years, with a suicide attempt in the process.

In Feb 2001 I was to find a 12step program which was to be the beginning of the healing path for myself. After spending a year in that program in Belfast, I decided to move back to NY. My exterior world got so much better, I got married, landed the big paying job in NYC. All the material prizes seemed to be flowing in abundance. Albeit the obsession to drink alcohol had been removed, my internal condition was far from healed. Eventually at 5 years sober my life came crashing to the ground and I enetered what I believe was my first dark night of the soul experience. Ive had a few of these, they seem like dry spiritual deserts where nothing makes sense. It was horrendous and the most difficult thing Id faced in my life. It was the beginning of a peculiar energies appearing in my body. These energies just seemed to be dragging up waves and waves of trauma and old dark stuff that was stuck in the depths of my body. At times I thought I would go insane with the pain and the insanity that would cycle through my mind and body.

That lasted for over a year, and thankfully I had several years of a meditation practice under my belt which definitely helped me. In fact I’d turned into a seeker and someone who was serious about finding truth. I still didn’t know anything about Kundalini nor had I ever heard the word. I wasnt to hear that word for another few years. Thankfully I made it through that whole dark night and crazy energetic ordeal, as at times I thought it was going to kill me and send me into permanent insanity. Surprisingly to me the next couple of years were to be the best of my life. I had found a decent level of serenity and my life looked somewhat normal. Even though Id came out of a very dysfunctional marriage and seemed to be starting all over once again.

At 10 years sobers and 36 years of age, Id been living in NY for almost a decade, every chapter of my life to this point and been extremely difficult, I still wasn't to know that a massive part of the reason for this this was unresolved trauma. Trauma was a word that I had heard from time to time but no one really seemed to know much about. I wasnt even aware of the depths that trauma existed in myself, naively I had all my eggs in the 12 step and meditation basket to fix all my ailments, much later finding out that different type of work needed to be done around this. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to lay ahead for the next lot of years and even up to today I still have stern challenges. Nov 2011, I was doing my job as a Steel worker in NY, I slipped and tripped on a wet steel beam, as I fell to the floor, I felt a crack in my lower spine. The pain was excruciating, I was brought to the medic and then the hospital. I wasnt to work for another year. As I was at home recovering and taking some much needed rest, I woke up one morning noticing a very strange energy moving ever so slightly in what I now know to be my nervous system. There had been strange energy in my body in 2007/8 but not like this, it certainly got my attention but I never really thought much of it. As the days rolled on I could feel the energy increasing, it felt like it was damp, cold and percolating. It really began to get my attention to the point that I had to mention it to a few close friends. All where baffled, including myself. I recall my ego wiggling its way in to figure out what was taking place in my body, the harder the ego tried, the more fear and anxiety seemed to land on me.

What was to follow in one moment has changed my life, never to be the same again. I drove my car one Friday night through upper Manhattan. As I was driving, in a split second It felt like someone opened up a huge man hole cover in the depths of my being, ferociously energy shot up my spine and started to gush out through my head. It felt like I would be blown from the car. As parts of the unconsious became conscious I had to pull in and sit at the side of the rode in absolute terror. With the energy, all types of thoughts, emotions, memories and visions were releasing from my body through my minds eye. Stranded in my car, on the street in NY, terrified and confused and not knowing where to turn, was what I believed to be the beginning of the Kundalini awakening process. I wasn't to get that information for quite sometime.

Survival mode was in full swing, For the next year it felt as if I was fighting to stay alive everyday. In fact it was so full on and extra, I had the thought everyday that maybe I should just sign myself in somewhere for medical supervision, thankfully I never did do that and remained to fight the situation everyday. I really thought I was going crazy and it took many months to figure out that something spiritual was happening. For the next 6 months, friends took turns in bringing me to their homes and basically baby sitting me as I found it almost impossible to function. I felt extremely blessed that I was out of work with an injury, and had enough savings to live on for close to a year, although I had a massive recurring fear that the savings would run out and I would end up in the streets homeless. As I sat on a friends sofa one evening there was an internal roar of noise that sounded like thunder, followed by a gush of energy, and a visual of blue light that looked like a coiled section of fork lightening, it spiraled right up my spine and out through my head and give me a major jerk out of the seat i was sitting in. I watched through the front of my body as this event took place.

After many months of turmoil and torchere of which at times is what felt like possession, visions, astral travel and many other paranormal experiences including involuntary body positions which I now know to be Kriyas, I was directed to a very kind, spiritually gifted man in Ireland who worked as a horse whisperer. For years he had cleared negative energies and unrested spirits from peoples homes and people themselves. Id say this man probably saved my life. I met him in the parking lot of a hotel in Belfast. As I sat beside him in his car he explained to me the gift he had been given and hadn’t understood it himself until another healer explained it to him when he was a child. Its amazing what a person will believe or do when they are desperate and exhausted. It’s even more amazing what the universe will put in our paths to help us when we need it most. Id say the hands on healing that this man preformed on me is definitely one of the stand out moments on my journey. One single moment of hands on head healing that absolutely done something to my energetic system that I still don’t have an explanation for. All I know is, it made my experience just a little lighter and more tolerable to continue on my journey to the next phase. Without getting graphic about the interaction I’d had with the whisperer, he explained to me that he had preformed entity removal, or in other words and exorcism.

Id love to tell you all that there was great peace and an amazing turnaround of events after this bizarre experience. What actually happened was that it bought me time and made my experience a little more tolerable. Had I not met him, I don’t know if I could of continued on my path as it was just deep suffering and turmoil one day to the next. On my return to NY, the energy was still frantic, but the door had been opened for many great healers to meet me on my path to help me do the deeper work and provide deep healing, which takes time of course. Ive met many healers, teachers, and energy workers, however, it was my close friend whom was really concerned about me, who told me it was kundalini energy that was happening to me.

From the moment I heard the word Kundalini, I have been researching it. 13 years ago there wasnt a lot on the internet about the K experience compared to what we thankfully have now. Finding people like Bonnie Greenwell and getting to have a conversation with her and many others has been a blessing. The best teacher in the process is the Kundalini itself, that being said most of us need help at certain times. My journey has been very difficult, its been plagued by so many different struggles, fears, confusion, fatigue and questions. For me, having different parts of my social structure challenged has been most difficult. Trying to figure out, If I still fit into the 12 step program has been a big challenge. It’s something that saved and changed my life when nothing else could. For many years Ive felt I don’t resonate with that language or energy anymore. I feel like the stranger in the room with all this extra stuff Kundalini brings along, so I’m still trying to figure that out.

At last Ive gottten to face and work through the traumas that Ive collected on my journey. I did a great job of by passing this and hiding in spirituality for many years. It can only be avoided for so long, the Kundalini eventually forces it in your face to be worked through. and that can occur in the most craziest complex ways that most people might not even understand. That's been the really hard work, facing the childhood and the adult trauma, thankfully I have found a model of therapy called IFS { Internal Family Systems } that has really been helping and I must say it could be a good fit for anyone who has trauma and Kundalini. The journey has been very tough, and continues to be sometimes, and I still need help. So much has changed, and deep down, I know I’m being moved by spirit.

Adrian

New York