My Kundalini journey thus far has led me to this question: What does it mean to love myself?
Recently, a teacher said that we make the leap from ego to spirit when we love ourselves completely. I always thought I loved myself: I make cakes, buy myself flowers, cuddle my dog, and nourish myself with daily walks in nature. Still, I was never quite able to grasp what it actually meant to love myself at a deeper level. I didn’t believe myself when I made affirmations like ‘I love myself and accept myself exactly as I am.’
I have now found a few ways of redefining loving myself. I think about what Rumi said, that we don’t need to seek love but remove the obstacles to the love that we already are. I am also reminded of someone, I believe a Sufi mystic, who said the path of love travels the way of pain.
To love myself is to be willing to meet what arises in myself: to bare it, accept it and allow it to transmute. I don’t say this lightly as I still have an aversion towards pain- the hardest thing I’ve ever done is meet my shadow.
And then, who does the loving of oneself? I remind myself that ‘what I really am’ is good, whole, complete and accepts my humanity exactly as she is. My true nature is free and welcomes my pain. How do I know this? When I sense into the felt sense of presence, the velvet tapestry of ‘now’ – I know that She can hold all of me. My ego can’t answer this question- my Self can.
So then the question has become for me: Where do I put my attention? On the small voice of wanting to love myself, or do I reorient myself towards the truth of my Being- the silent, still presence who doesn’t have a problem with things as they are. The more I focus on Her, the more of ‘who I really am,’ love, will shine through.