Hey,
I had kundalini awakening 4 years ago after dmt intake.
Since than I’m moving between periods of surrender to that bliss to resistance and fear and depression.
I started a computer science deegre this year. I do feel like I have intellectual attraction to programming but it seems like the kundalini pulling me out of that.
I wake up in the morning go to nature meditate and filled with bliss.
Than back trying to study and feel deep resistance within.
I feel like there is battle within me which causes me a lot of fatigue and depression.
I feel like till today my ego fight this and it create scizoprenic crack up within me.
I don’t even know if it relate to the profession.
Feel like I just want to fully surrender to the energy.
In the last years I been vipassana retreats almost every month and surrendered to the energy, but when I come back from the retreat I enter period of sadness and depression
I am also a programmer with awakening story.
For me it's normal I did quit the jobs, and I learned some artificial intelligence, but then met this resistance. It needs time off.
But I think you need to find the material path, which does not fill you with resistance. I think you need to synchronize with helping the right collective and not switching completely off from the others, as we are somewhat the same world.
I think the right path would not fill you with resistance, but it's hard to find. Generally, we enlightened people, we need to do many material things to survive, and we also need to build the civilization. So this resistance might sign you cannot do it this way, but you definitely need to do it in some way, and thus you need to find the deep roots of this - what your material path does not provide, are you going to create such products, which are misused, and thus you are not filled with energizing feelings of having the future for your job.
I think enlightened community also needs programming, but we are not so capable of expressing this need and to find money for paying for products, which are safe and sustainable. You need to find something motivating from this community of programming.
https://yav.ai/experiment/spiritual-ai/ - I like this company, for example. I think it has future. If you are able to work with such company, probably you feel some motivating force of having future for your work. Spiritual community definitely needs people to fill all areas of life, as otherwise we are uncivilized and would probably die off.