Hi, I was brought here from the spiritual crisis network and thought I'd introduce myself. I've already spoken to Jo A already who kindly provided additional context and feedback as to what is going on.
I feel like I've been brought here out of necessity as I've been experiencing some overwhelming KA symptoms that seem to be accelerating. Who knows - hopefully someone will read this and can relate to what I've experienced so far. From what I understand, KA seems to affect everybody very differently, but there are recurring themes.
Thinking back to where this started, I've always felt like the odd one out - an interloper in social situations. I had a traumatic childhood at a Roman Catholic boarding school which led to an intense hatred of Christianity and religion in general. After renouncing my faith and moving to London I was active in atheist groups and meet ups, but I struggled heavily with depression. After another relationship break up which crippled me emotionally I decided I needed to understand what this whole "happiness" thing is, as something was clearly way off in my head. I took a trip to Waterstones in Piccadilly and picked up a number of books, and that's where my spiritual journey started and I ended up commencing a meditation practice.
From meditation, further reading and YouTube videos I decided to experiment with psilocybin and had my first "spiritual" experience at Glastonbury in 2016. I took far too much, and this moment was like being smacked in the face with a frying pan. Long story short, I saw the immense awe of mother nature and was profoundly struck to tears by simply observing social interactions of friendly neighbours in their tents, I understood the ineffable love that connects us all. This led to a journey to Peru with aya and other plant teachers which I won't get in to, as although the experiences vary greatly, I came to the conclusion that eventually it is the same ineffable empty silence and "oneness" behind it all. Ultimately these experiences can only take you so far, but I believe that an experience in itself can serve that purpose to some individuals that need it.
This initial experience validated that there's something more and I took my meditation practice far more seriously and I took up yoga which has since become a bit of an obsession. One thing I did notice from the beginning of my meditation practice was an intense pressure in my third eye, with tingles spreading out that I could manipulate across my head. I found this interesting but didn't really think anything of it.
Fast forwards to a couple of years ago - after a silent retreat in Italy I came home and my right arm started moving completely on its own (recorded this initial experience, see embedded video), swaying in the air as if riding a wave. Taking this to my meditation cushion my whole body started swaying and moving and it just felt so natural. My arms would rise on their own, move into heart space and hold what I now know to be called "mudras". Over the following months this movement became more and more intense, to the extent that sitting still in meditation wasn't really an option any more.
Doing research I discovered kundalini energy, and booked myself to a kundalini yoga immersion course in Bulgaria. On this course, things really took off. During the breathing exercises I was vibrating uncontrollably and locking out into certain positions. I was expecting the entire retreat to be like this but no one else, even the instructors really experienced this directly themselves and some of the other participants literally thought I was possessed by a deceased relative. A holistic therapist from Germany pulled me aside to discuss him performing a type of exorcism to remove said spirit. This was funny at first, and I agreed (I tend to people-please) as I thought it was just him, but clearly word had got round and some of the other participants thought this was a good idea as well and were trying to talk me into it. Luckily the instructors nipped this in the bud.
During the course of the retreat, we did ecstatic dance which was an eye opener (continued this in LDN) as the energy burst through my limbs - it really did feel like something was riding through my body. Every morning my face was making contortions and lip smacking noises. We experimented with glosallaia, but this didn't manifest personally - but I was experiencing (on my own) a separate voice that spoke in English, I could tell it was coming as my voice would drop an ocatve. Throughout the meditations and energy work, lots and lots of crying. I still cry a lot.
Coming back from Bulgaria, the dancing energy was always there and I'd dance whilst talking in a strange language - the glossalalia just hit. I'd wake up and go into reverse wheel on my bed, some nights burning all over my body and joints. The dancing and pirouettes, spins and gestures are flowing now whilst talking, spitting and screaming in strange languages which seem to evolve on their own. In fact the energy became so intense that it was spinning me around into cross legged positions with my hands raised in mudras to the extent that I've damaged the mensicus cartilage in both of my knees; the movement of the energy is intense and violent now.
Note, I was made redundant from work 6 months ago, but I can't go back to the rate race as the idea of going back to the corporate world makes me feel physically sick. the energy is far to overwhelming, so my flat in London is on the market and I'm temporarily living with my parents in Dorset.
Where we are today, I'm experiencing intense energy every day. I can erupt to talking "in tongues" at will, in fact I have to out of necessity to get the energy out - this is especially true in the mornings and meditation is vocalised. I'm very emotional, my brain feels numb so I struggle to concentrate on anything and eyes constantly want to cross. I wonder if I should tell my parents but they're both catholic and worry about them worrying....
I'm leaving to go to India next month, become a yoga intructor and travel a bit around Rishikesh and hope to meet someone out there who can guide this process. The anxiety is being 38yrs old, just losing my job and not being able to fit back in to office life, chasing success does not appeal to me any more. Everything now is focussed on love and unity, nothing else matters. I thought the energy can't get more intense, but it keeps
on going...
We'll see how this pans out, thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
Love to you all, Pete
First, we have so many people lost their jobs that we should really start looking into creating some new markets :P I mean, we have our needs to receive something from market, which is not there, and we have many free people, who cannot find their motivation in existing work - and they need something anyway as we cannot be completely off-worldly.
Otherwise, Catholic religion is very dogmatic and traditional, and you cannot really be yourself; I think these are the common things - but maybe you should look at other aspects of it as well. I think maybe you have some great complex from there, some of your energies are still blocked and you cannot relate freely with concepts they messed up. I think you should work with your traumatic experience with Catholics and study the Christ a little - I am a Buddhist, but I have mostly studied Christian things, because being Buddhist is not my religious choice, but simply the method, which leaves me being myself, but Christ was really wise sometimes. Christ, still, is one of the few God reincarnations killed, and the whole thing about Christianism is thus not so good - for example, he did not have much time to write long books like others, and you cannot be sure that this Catholic is actually not the same person, who would kill Christ; in Europe and America I think it would not be easy if you are God - lawfully, it's quite christ-like story of all of them, people who claimed something like this. In India and Russia, those "Gods" tend to live quite well; people seem to understand, what they express, and somehow cope with such personality - they wait for some gods and know very well, what to do with them. In west, it seems to be a grand social problem that if there is something godlike, people go massively insane and the godlike thing is somehow neutralized or in worst cases, even killed - in east it seems the reaction is quite calm, they know about different entities and how to cope with them without going mad. So the christianism is maybe not in good relations with higher entities ..many enlightened people and indigo children have the problems, they end up on street, which is the western modern killing equivalent. So you can find some problems in Catholic religion; but there are also good things about Christianity and maybe you should cure your complex with them - a small bunch of bad people can not justify you to judge the whole thing, and you might have mental unconcious problems with conceptions like love, etc., which have been introduced forcefully and not aligning with you. Maybe you should cure this, your Christianity, to avoid spiritual crisis - you can be Buddhist, but your archetype of Christianity should not be completely sick, you should be a healthy christian as well :) For me I have Buddhism as my religion, but I constantly seek truth and advice from different religions, and think, what connects them.
Thanks for sharing. I had an awakening at 30 and a similar process, Retrospectively, I think it all makes sense though it doesn't for a long while and it is not a linear process.
I also Iove India, Yoga and Rishikesh, but my advice is don't elevate any particular tradition above another, they all have wisdom.