Many thanks to Alan and Sameer for the recent videos on Youtube. I'm thrilled to have a safe place to talk about this experience. Please find my story below.
In 2006, I located a seven day Tantra Intensive. I was 35 at the time and had heard about Tantra as a sacred sexual practice. I had been exploring Taoism since age 19 and had felt my life force energy in my hands while practicing Tai Chi. At 20, I tried a rebirthing workshop. I picked up my first book on Chakras at age 12. I think I've been interested in spiritual matters for much of my life.
On the first day of the retreat, our group of eight sat in a circle and stated an intention. I expressed that I wanted to become more present to myself, others, and the world around me. For the next 7 days, we breathed, sang, chanted, and "cleared our vessel" with yogic postures and emotional clearing techniques. We attuned to the earth's energies; spoke our truth and learned sacred spot massage. The touch portion of the workshop was by far the most intimidating part of the retreat.
Sacred spot massage for women consists of a full body massage, including the genitals, but not necessarily with the goal of orgasm. During the massage, it felt like my heart energy connected with my sexual energy, then the whole vulva area felt like it expressed outward or "flowered". At the same time, my heart area exploded energetically. I wept. This was the only time in my life I have experienced this sensation. I feel it is important to state that the person I was working with was a fellow participant, not a lover or friend. I felt grateful for the experience but I did not fall in love with my sacred spot partner as I might have if it had been with a lover.
When I boarded the plane to return home, I felt a shift. I felt centered and grounded. We were instructed to choose three practices to continue at home. I chose an Osho Chakra Breathing, a dusting of energy, and a 20 minute sitting meditation. After about 30 days, I noticed that I began experiencing distinct phenomena. The first experience happened after a therapeutic massage. I was balancing on the balls of my feet to write my therapist a check when my feet began to shake uncontrollably. Then a lightening bolt of energy shot through my body, up through my head. After that experience, I began sleeping less. The names of Tantric masters, Sri Aurobindo and Yogi Bhajan, came to me during sleep. Some nights, an energy would roll up and down my legs which was excruciating. Other times, it felt like I was vibrating at a rate that might allow my body to levitate. I experienced heart palpatations. I went to see a physician but he could find nothing wrong with me.
I started to develop a sense of knowing in my body, like I was in direct communication with Source or All That Is. This "knowing" was located below my navel area, in my dan tien. I felt like a tuning fork. I had been an avid reader, but the need to seek knowledge ceased. I knew that if I needed information, the knowing in my body would provide it.
As I continued with the practices, the phenomena grew. I felt like I was in the flow of life. Plans came together effortlessly, my desire for tobacco and alcohol diminished as I knew that use would dull the connection I felt. Food tasted exquisite. One bite and I was in heaven. My skin became highly sensitive. I switched to all natural products. The most profound experience came after practicing the breathing and meditation outdoors. When I opened my eyes, everything sparkled with a silvery luminosity. I began to cry and laugh at the same time. I received a message about the paradoxical nature of existence. It was like a veil had been lifted between the mundane world and All That Is. It was one of those moments that causes the mind to give up. My mind shifted into complete acceptance of everything, just the way it is...the good, the bad and the ugly. It was like everything I had thought was turned 180 degrees. It was at this point that the experience began to feel a little scary.
I was beginning to feel that words were meaningless therefore I wanted to live in complete silence. I began to feel different and disconnected from others. I felt alone. One day I thought to myself, "I must be losing my mind" and then the thought came, "I want this to stop"...and it did. When the phenomena stopped, I felt as if I had fallen from grace.
For two years I was obessed with trying to understand what had happened. I was mostly non-productive, unable to work, during this time. I read and researched everything I could find on Kundalini Awakening. When I contacted my tantra teacher, Phil Love, he told me to relax into the experience. but it was so foreign, I could not relax. After about two years of struggle, I went to see a psychotherapist, Barnaby Barrett PhD, who suggested Jack Kornfield's book After the Ecstasy the Laundry, which put the entire experience into perspective. The book helped me reorient to the present. I could then finally let go and move on with my life.
This experience still directs my choices but in more subtle ways. I try to keep my body temple balanced with a clean vegetarian diet, regular exercise, plenty of sleep, no substances, time with friends and a career helping others. These shifts did not happen overnight but over a period of 12 years following the experience. Today I feel grateful for all of it, even the difficult confusing aspects. Integration takes time but it is worth the struggle.
Remarkable journey! Thanks for sharing. I am curious - when the lightening bolt of energy shot through your body, up through your head, did the energy rise up the center of your spine? And also, was your consciousness immersed in a brilliant, white light when the energy reached your seventh chakra? I am interested in learning about all type of luminous experiences. Thanks.