Your Awakening Story

Hello. At present I fear the resistance and control more than I fear the symptoms, and due to this fear, the control occurs and had conquered every second of my life since I went into a process of controlling the control''. A certain pattern of energy movement plus it's specific resistance is triggered by fear or by the power of the context - if it happens when I make a tea, it'll happen again at seeing the tea pot, or it's enough to think of it if I fear it, and it occurs. The more I try to release control, the more it sticks to me. The mind struggles to surrender, but under the pretext of calming the body, it supresses the energy. My natural impulse has always been to channel the energy, when I create something I can feel how good is to let the energy flow, but the mind fears of what may happen when I stop ( it seems like the energy never consumes, I cannot manage the situation when I stop). When I intend to live in the present moment (as a direct surrendering to my true self) a big blockage occurs as the energy goes to the mind, and it forces my subconscious to absorb and consolidate what I see as being the present moment, it forces my brain to avoid thinking of the energy, or I mechanically (at best, because at worst I'm frozen by fear and dispair) keep uttering the words ''I live in the present moment". When it comes naturally, I can see the beauty of this world, the magic of what it is, I feel like I love my live and I can enjoy every moment of it, so I don't understand why I struggle to get something I already have. Even if I intend to live in the present moment or observe it, I don't understand why the blockage appears since, as I said above, I feel like I love the sense of presence, it's not like I have an impulse to eat something unhealthy or buy something and I feel cold towards the present moment. This has very bad effects on my body as it enters into a freezing state, and on my mind as reinforce the obsession for breaking the pattern. No matter how healthy a practice may be and how much I feel like doing it, I push huge amounts of energy / force things wherever my intention goes. Even when I manage to flow with life, once the mind notices it, it starts the struggle to figure out what thought triggered that acceptance, to consolidate it and so on. Which is not harmful when I do it slowly and gradually, but sometimes the mind tries to force its consolidation and the energy remains blocked at the mind level and it's very difficult to descend it. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you!