My story
My story.
Hello everyone my name is Garavachitta which is a lay Buddhist Ordained name, and I also go by my old name Richard Weeden.
My story in brief. A long time meditator and spiritual seeker (25 years). Tried most things, years of reiki, Shamanic journeying, dance etc But all of this coloured by years of chronic pain and illness (fibromyalgia).
About two and a half years ago I had a medical catastrophe and nearly died of a brain infection. i was saved by the good sense of my girlfiend who got me medical help in time. I had a 30% chance of dying and and a much higher chance of permanent brain damage. As it is I was left with some amnesia and am otherwise fine.
I did not have a near death experience I definitely felt that death and madness had come for me (I was somewhat deluded as my brain started to break down. There was a moment when I let go thinking it was the moment of death. I was also doing some reflection on how dangerous it is to be associated with a physical body and brain. I was calling on any spiritual forces i could think of to deliver me.. On return home I was diagnosed and well treated for PTSD with EMDR therapy.
I had had an interest in kundalini after feeling my chakras align once while teaching a meditation and to try and continue me recovery I spent 5 or so days running reiki through my central channel and watched some short clips of shaktipat videos on youtube.
To be honest I now feel embaressed and ashamed to have opened up that way given my recent and long term health issues and the years long delicate nature of my nervous sysyem which has been overheated by chronic pain. On the final day of my self retreat I felt a pressure on the top of my head like a finger pushed right in and when i woke up in the morning a voice in my head said 'Turn your phone on Dr Jones will call you this morning' (My only psychic experience). There had been the possibility of a brain tumour after a scan. No tumour though. Dr Jomes said. Then in the next few months some paranoia and a little shaking at night, and the continuation of pretty bad insomnia.
Looking back i now wonder if the PTSD, insomnia and very strange and disturbing sensations in my lower back (where I have chronic disc damage) immediately I came out of hospital may have been kundalini awakening. I also expereinced tickling on my head and root chakra when doing lots back bends to try and relieve the strange sensations. Positives were a permanent, very significant reduction in sense craving and resentment and irritation. I find this a comforting thought as I have regretted opening up to the Kundalini with the online shaktipat later in the year and felt stupid and judgemental of myself for doing so.
The kundalini (if that's what it actually is) has been pretty mild. I think it is largely kept calm by me taking opiate painkillers and having anti-seizure medication. which calms my brain down. I did feel bothered by an entity at one point but filled my home with light and lovingkindness, stopped believing in it, and it went away. And I also experienced quite a lot of paranoia which has now passed. I have avoided physical practices, and done Tara Springett's Higher Consciousness healing. My crown chakra has remained very active and I have experienced some deep non-dual inisghts. This has kept things calm until a few weeks ago when I started experiencing particualrly bad pain in my legs and feet and performed myofascial release on my legs and lower back. I felt a pulse in my perineum that night in bed, and also rather strangely and wondrously a much deeper ongoing sense of safety than I have ever felt in my life.
There has been a lot of energetic activity in my lower back and legs, and last night I was woken by the unpleasant sensations in my lower back again. This has freaked me out. it really felt like energy pushing on my damaged back.
So really I am a mess of medications, non-dual insights, chronic pains, ascending energies, and quite a lot of loneliness which makes me feel sad and upset. The Buddhist Sangha I am part of has little experience of energetic awakenings, and I cannot talk to my girlfriend who is a devout Catholic, converted from New Age. (She does love me though; and as i said to her the other day, she has a lot of money in the bank with me as she saved my life back when I had the brain infection). Really I think I am writing this as I just want to feel less alone and could do with some support. On a good day I can see all that has happened to me as part of a cosmic process purifying me for the good of the whole. But last night those weird unpleasant back sensations feaked me out again, i did some stretches which eased the sensations, my energy went crazy and my meds barely calmed it down all night. Ah, well. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Oh, yes i did post a much shorter version of this a long time ago under my other name Richard Weeden. So I'm back, and this is a much fuller picture. I wish you all very well indeed.