My spiritual practices and intuition and the like seem to come and go in waves. Early last year I had this MASSIVE burst of positive energy and hope and everything good in the middle of SEVERE depression that was EXTREMELY drug resistant, and some of it was definitely situational. I had a very hard and traumatizing year last year and that wave of positive energy was temporary and the calm before the storm. I don't think even with a trigger warning I should list what I was dealing with, but the depression and hopelessness I felt was so extremely severe, the most it's ever been in my life.
Several times last year I went to the Emergency Room and a regular doctor for strange, sudden symptoms, and every time NOTHING was wrong with me. That didn't help my mental state, and only made me feel like I was just going crazy.
November was the last time I went and since that visit I have had intesisfying symptoms of a physical variety, some mental but nothing I'm not used to contributing the fact that I'm potentially a DID system, I'm filled up with lots of trauma and guilt and you name it. Well it's getting worse, and of course the logical part of me has looked for answers like MS, Endometriosit, IBS, so many things, but literally nothing fits the spells I'm going through and doctors NEVER find anything wrong with me. Being open to spirituality and recuuperating after my HUUUUUGE fall out with my own practice last year I was finally able to get more connected and around the time I did was when all this started. I've felt called to be a healer but I can't even heal myself and now I'm worried that everything I went through last year has triggered an awakening I was not physically or mentally prepared for, and I have no idea what to do. Everything I find tells me find someone experienced to help you through it, stop your spiritual practices, but I find myself doing hand motions and poses I'm not familiar with, it's like my body does it in an attempt to relieve all these hard to describe pains and sensations...One in particular was apparently childs pose....
My spine hurts, just last weekend I had the WORST episode of tremors I have had since all this started, I can only liken it to a seizure without loss of conciousness or coginitive ability, all I did was shake and convulse for an hour. I have strange stabbing pains, sensations of hot and cold that spread then disappear, it all comes in waves....I've had pains and sensations of stroke, heart attack, appendicits, stones, you name it but none of that seems to be what's going on, because it's all totally random and there's not enough symptoms to warrant them as things related to what they feel like in the moment dependant on pain and sensation. My mental health was great, I was going with the flow, no crying, no rage, just happy, excited and hopefull...And all that came crashing down and emotions and bothers I'd thought I had overcome are coming back to the surface, feelings of worthlessness, nothing I do being good enough or right, inherent depression to the extent of wanting to unsubscribe from the world of the living, so on and so forth...
There's this little voice like, balance and heal all the chakras and maybe that will help this serpatine pattern of strange sensations and pains from my toes to my head and the brain and all of it, but from what I've read it said STOP spiritual practice and let it takes it's course but I'm so frustrated. I spent a lot of last year despite the trauma and extreme stress I went through trying to heal myself and I've already come so far, but I just don't know what else I can do to help these symptoms, medication doesn't...I feel like I'm going crazy and I feel like I might if I don't get this stuff soothed or under some kind of control. I just need some advice and some guidance before I lose my mind.
Maybe you should work to be beyond this good and bad - start with this Beyond Good and Evil - Wikipedia.
In life experience you are calibrated with positive and negative energy - negative energy points where you won't go, and the positive energy where you will go. When you neutrally meditate on this negative energy, and let it do it's job - maybe you have blocked all the negative, and it won't finish it's job. In your total dynamics, you are not healthy only by carrying the positive energy, but you are healthy by working with the negative, which gives you the experience of an adventure. You need to be toughter, and not fear the adventures and experiences provided by the life; you feel very negative, but in the process - as more empty, meaningless and unjustified you feel, as more you have the energy to get out of it, and as better the overall you, which is resulting. Give those energies their right for life, and pay attention to them; then, you become toughter and you transcend those energies, helping also the people, who feel similar things.
Overall, in life, there are things, which need to change a lot, and there are the people, who go through all the discomfort and fear, until they have transcended those and become the cure. What you experience is your personal or collective lack - people, who pretend to be happy, and avoid such feelings, they can be blind to danger of wars, disasters and financial crisis, or any other thing appearing in reality, and finally they are unable to cope those things alone. By experiencing all those deeply, maybe you become a person, who can avoid them long before they reach. What is normal to many, might seem very low to you - then, they can not rise easily, and they have no motivation to give away the old and pursue the new; but you, when you achieve the healthy balance of those energies, become a battery, which can constantly raise all this. Feeling the negative energies - they can be sickness, dangers, uneducation in the world, they can be your own distance from ideal path, they can be something deeper and unexplainable, but as you go through the process, your stability, from imaginary stability of the happy person, becomes a real stability of an experienced person. The negative force acts to turn itself into non-existance, and thus, in it's overall progress, it's as positive as any other force; the negative things always exist - our ideals and visions become higher in a stable progress, and in our normal situation of yesterday we always feel something is missing today; it's like a business is growing indefinitely. Normal life stress of another person, which they do not even notice, attacks you with extreme intensity; but you are not falling lower of this person - you are rising higher. You work through this energy, you stabilize all the negative activity you would like to do initially, and finally you reach a peaceful state, where you transcend those aspects of yourself, people and the society; you get the powers of experienced people.
I think people whose fears, discomforts, lacks in progress, lack of meaning etc. becomes more strongly felt, they have kind of work; as they do the work, they reach energy and vibrations, which are highly positive. This is normal that part of society is constantly doing this work, and one should only be careful that they won't get broke - like washing the dishes and running the economical system, the "work" and the constant inflow of the new work, it's normal. You need to work with your psychology to become a tough and experienced adventurer - spiritual journeys are adventures, and you meet the demons of the society, the demons of yourself etc., which normal people would avoid to meet - but they never beat them. You grow the inner strength, which starts rising you up.
You might think it's normal to see the positive goal and walk towards it. But it's actually normal to see the positive goal and all the dangers on the way, and deeply live both the goal and the dangers - such way, your overall dynamics is a lot better, and you won't get lost into the illusion of enlightenment, illusion of safety or illusion of having reached something; with this dynamics of all the different frequencies you reach something real. Who has gone through the hardships, their result are much more real; who has kept the feelings of invulnerability and the feelings that their goals are the final things they would seek for, they slowly progress into the wars and problems; when you deeply live through the dangers - you finally reach the solutions, which satisfy you in all the aspects.
When you reach this understanding, the pain would not go away, but you feel the inner harmony in the pain - then, you are so much stronger that you won't get broke. It's completely unreasonable to think that the negative energy is not there with the same love and healthy dynamics with the positive energy. When you have adventure in the forest, you fear animals, you get hungry or you have to do physical work, but in the process you grow more mature; people, who are only in the city, they slowly become sick and unable to cope with much smaller challenges. You have to develop a mental attitude to go through adventures, an attitude, which tolerates the wounds and tiredness, which you meet, and the dangers in the forest. In the end, the city is also inside a forest, and it can not avoid all those things coming - it can close it's eyes and try to live it's short journey, but then it meets something like covid, tornado or third world war, and it's not ready and prepared, it did not solve the weakness in the first part, and it did not meditate deeply on all the things the nature and the enemy was telling. Even the wars, if we continued with our own culture, but fixed all the things the enemy was pointing out - maybe they would not have the force to start it. If we would do all the things in the nature, maybe the tornado would not be able to be dangerous. In all this adventure, we have to develop a strong mind, which is still high when it experiences the hunger, fears and pains; in the books of the old times, we can see how valued those things are - the touchy, delicate people in the cities, they are laughed about.
“The spiritual path wrecks the body And afterwards restores it to health. It destroys the house to unearth the treasure, And with that treasure builds it better than before.”
— Rumi
All sounds like good advice to me. Also please do refer to the support page on the website...you could find some of the support offered there useful. https://www.kundalinicollective.org/help
Sounds like you're right in the thick of it...yes, it certainly is a process that makes one feel like they are going crazy and losing their mind in adddition to the other symptoms.
I think Charlotte's advice and perspective is really good. I would add, create containers of safety(which is probably why you wanted to do child's pose) in your environment, home etc so you can cocoon yourself as much as possible. Grounding practices, being in nature, hugging trees etc ...and , I'd avoid any psychedelics or intense energy medicine, breathwork practices as they could just stir things up more, but really you have to lean into the process and trust the wisdom of what comes for you, uncomfortable as it is. The kundalini is doing the healing, let it. Do you have any safe and grounded muggle friends whose nervous system you can tap into?
Also, pay attention to nutrition, hydration and do move to get the energy moving around and releasing.
Sending you hugs.
Hi, I just want to reassure you about the parts of your experience that are normal*. When kundalini is released it releases huge amounsts of previously unprocessed information from the past. Your system is now working through everything that is coming up, but when there is so much at once it can be very overwhelming. That information is digesting on multiple levels: physical, emotional, energetic, mental, which is why the symptoms are so diverse. Shaking, postures, hot-cold, weird sensations, painful emotions, difficult thoughts, feeling lost and confused - all of that can happen in kundalini awakening, as your system works its way through old traumas and conditioning.
It's a lot to go through and I know how hard it can be.
(*I obviously can't speak to any medical issues. It's good you are also making sure there isn't any simultaneous condition there. The medical profession isn't trained in spiritual awakenings so if there isn't a medical issue, they won't be able to explain it. I would reassure yourself that within a spiritual context, it can be explained.)
The reason people advise stopping spiritual practice is because it tends to bring up more material to process. I think it's a balance between not adding fuel to the fire, but also working with what is there. If your system is naturally processing through hand motions and postures, that is the kundalini intelligently processing the stored information. The hand motions (mudras) and postures (kriyas) are some of the ways it balances and heals the chakras. It knows what it is doing, so I would allow it and make space for that. If possible, connect to the part of you that feels able to trust this and knows that it is happening to support you becoming more conscious.
The reason to work with someone is to help you with the processing of the material and with supporting your system (e.g. through diet, exercise, etc). The more your system is supported, the better it can process everything and the more balanced you will feel. Both of these are quite personal and generic advice can only take you so far. Who you will work best with is also personal. Let your intuition guide you. You are being supported, even if it doesn't feel like it. It will take time, but it is possible to work through all this and for things to get better.