Initial Kundalini arising
(2015-2017.)
It all started over 7 years ago. I had zero interest in spirituality, I was very naive, materialistic and "individualistic". Just a "normal" young man in todays Western society. At that time there was this moment where I was driving a car at work, and suddenly there was these electric zaps from the bottom of my spine in to the head. This zapping repeated for few times and each time it hit my head my head would notch a bit. I just wondered what the hell was that, and soon forgot about it and continued my day.
Soon after this, my life started to crumble apart. I felt this pain in my stomach, emotional pain. I could suddenly see with clarity what I had never seen before. I could see past this mind created safe "bubble" that I took out to be the reality of life. My mind had created these certanties of how life would treat me. How bad things could happen to other people but never to myself. Suddenly I saw that this was illusion. My "bubble" also included in to itself that there's happiness that is derived from external things, such as money, house, cars, women, relationships, status, admiration, success. This had "worked" so far, I really believed that I got happiness out of these things. Suddenly I could see past of it all. It was very clear that happiness didn't come from any of these things. And on the other hand it became painfully obvious how all these were causing me pain now.
Suddenly I was aware of all my wrong doings in the past. And they hurt me like hell. I wanted to fix all my wrong doings of past, as I "fixed one", another one popped up right on my face. This was so weird to me, I had literally everything I could've dreamed of. My "life situation" was great. I should've been happy I thought. Why do I feel this constant pain, everytime I'm alone? I spent my days wondering what happiness is. It clearly isn't dependent of anything external. Why are some people happy and some people are miserable. In my job I met people who "had it all" yet were clearly miserable. Then I met people who had very little, and were sick, yet some of them were so joyful that they brought that brightness all around them. It was very difficult to not be happy in their company. It was like they were the incarnation of kindness and love sitting in a wheel chair. I could see their inner beauty. And I just kept wondering, what is it that makes them so happy? What is happiness?
During this time the continuous emotional pain I felt led me to seek out help from online, I followed self-help gurus and one of them was recommending meditation in every single one of his videos. So I tried meditation, but it was very difficult. I also bought two books without knowing anything about them, it was like spontaneous action. I had never bought any books. The first book was Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now. The second book was Matt Kahn's Whatever arises, love that. At the time, I didn't resonate with Matt Kahn's book, so I didn't read it much. However the Power of Now resonated within me like no book has ever resonated. It was like I already knew that every phrase written was true. This was at the same time causing wonderment, but also fear, because the book contained information how we manifest our own diseases through our minds. I had a panic attack so bad that I fainted on my own bed. I was so afraid of the truth.
One day I sat on my couch dwelling in the regrets of my mind and suddenly there was this clarity, like never before. Like an opening. It was revealed to me that none of the past matters. None of the regrets I held matters. All the colors in my visual perception literally became more vibrant or saturated. There was this sudden brightness. I just fell in to tears in the unexplainable beauty of this simplicity. Tears of joy. Followed by laughter. Soon this faded away. And I was back within the darkness of my mind made world being ripped apart.
My mind had turned against "me" it felt. I was full of anxiety. I developed a social anxiety, had panic attacks in the grocery store. Then there started to be neurological symptoms of all sorts, I thought that I had some sort of neurological disease. So the symptoms got even worse from this health anxiety. The body was so full of energy that it was let out as all these kinds of twiches and tinglings and pulsations around the body. The muscles became rigid from anxiety. This was literal hell. I went to the doctors and they checked everything. This took many many months. I had already self-diagnosed my self with MS disease. I went to the neurologist appointment and he said that they found nothing. All tests came out normal. He sent me to a psychiatric clinic. I told them that I had meditated and they sent me to a mindfullness therapist.
Mindfulness therapy and falling deeper in to spirituality
(2017-2018)
This therapist was somehow so open, and listening, that I was able to just let it all out right in the beginning of our first session. He taught me how our mind labels everything, and how there's no actual problems in existence. The mind creates problems and tries to solve it's self created problems. How it's an endless game. And how there's this fight or flight response that is there to help us survive but in somecases it can malfunction as the body can't differentiate between what is an actual threat and what is a mind created illusory threat. This helped me get back on my feet very quickly and it felt somewhat fine again. Meditation became easier at this point and I meditated using the headspace app as help.
I continued on with my life and I was again seeking exciting experiences, success and happiness from the world. Somehow there was this deep intuition inside that this wouldn't last. That I was running out of time. It felt like I was going to die soon. So I lived accordingly to that intuition. I wanted to have it all. I distracted myself in to the worldy activities, and it worked relatively well. I kept myself very busy at all times. Time after time again, I noticed that everytime I distracted myself, and was happy for a certain period of time. It was followed by a time of misery and pain. Those painful times were the only times I went back in to spiritual teachings, meditation etc. It brought with it this peace and calmness. And then I went right back in to the world, in to the mind identification. The world was again serving "me right", I had lots of friends, fun job, university studies, girlfriend and spirituality on the side of all that.
The relationship became somewhat toxic by time and there was no other way around than to finally end it. After I had broken up with my girlfriend, I felt partly relieved but also guilty over causing her pain by breaking up with her. And I was again one foot in the darkness.
I signed up to a vipassana retreat. As I approached this old building where the retreat was held, I was thinking "what the hell have I signed up for, this isn't going to help". As I arrived at the porch. There was this hostress of the retreat who was an elderly lady. She said in very calm and monotonic way, and not even the slightest smile on her face "Welcome". Suddenly it was like a big pack of weight was lifted off from my shoulders. All that mental distraction was gone and there was this peace that I had tasted before. This is when I truly recognized that there's definetly something that isn't comprehensible by mind, something that can not be seen by eye. I left the retreat with great lightness. Once again I went right back in to the world still not having learned that the pendulum will swing right back at me.
Finding of Nonduality, beginning of involuntary Kriyas
(2019-2020)
About year later I found myself in yet again new andevours in terms of business, studies, and also a new intimate relationship. Things were going good. Spirituality had become gradually more and more important part of my life. Yet it was still like a hobby a side of all the other activities. There was only time for spirituality when things were getting too difficult to bare with. During this time I mostly listened to Ram Dass's speeches.
2020 appeared and funnily ever since I was a young kid I had been seeing number 2020, 20.20 or 20:20 constantly. It was like synchronicity. The first time I saw it as a child I thought that what does it mean, because I kept seeing it constantly even then. I figured out that it was the universe trying to tell me something. And I thought that it probably means that I will die in year 2020. But it was like 90's back then so it didn't bother me as 2020 was so far ahead. As the 2020's came I wondered if this will be the year that all this suffering and roller coaster of ups and downs will finally come to an end somehow.
So the lockdowns came, at the instant the lockdowns came, my girlfriend left me. My university studies were all moved to online. I was left alone in my appartment, heart broken. During this time I had discovered the nondual teachings of Rupert Spira. Rupert was the remedy for my pain during those times. I participated on his online retreats and meetings regularly. Now there was no distractions available so Nonduality became the main thing in my life. I was completely alone. During one of his meditations something just clicked. There was just this familiar peace and lightness, and this time instead of lasting for a brief moment, it lasted the whole day and I could only sleep for couple of hours, worried that I would somehow loose this. The next morning to my surprise it was still there. I went outside early in the morning in to nature. And it was all so beautiful. Just indescribable. However this also soon faded away. I tried to go back to Rupert's teachings and meditations. This was the time I first started to have Involuntary Kriyas. My head was spinning around by itself. I thought that I must be posessed, and was very worried about what was happening to me. Yet at the same time there was this unexplainable peace. It became somewhat unpleasant to meditate because everytime I meditated my head would start spinning around like crazy. So I did some research and found out that these kind of movements can happen to some meditators and it's alright.
Rupert's teachings were no longer offering me anything new so I went in search for more about nonduality and found "uncompromising nonduality" or "radical nonduality" speakers.
Crown opening/end of false self
(2021-2022)
So I moved to a new location where I knew basically nobody. I lived in complete isolation. Just listening to uncompromising nonduality speakers and walking in nature. Somehow what these speakers were saying resonated very deeply. I couldn't stop listening to them, yet at the same time there was this resistance towards listening to them. It was weird. The involuntary kriyas became even more wild than ever before, I was dancing around to music involuntarily and there was all sorts of movements. Yet still at this time I was not admitting to myself that I had a Kundalini arising. I thought that the whole Kundalini stuff is just some spiritual hype. :D
Gradually I started seeing how there's indeed no controller over life, life is just happening, unfolding by itself. The body is moving without any control over it (regardless of kriyas or not). By the time the suffering became more and more intense. And I couldn't point at what it was that was causing this suffering. It was summer 2022 and one morning I woke up in deep misery, I was done with life. I was ready to die. I thought to myself today is the day. One way or another today is the day I die. So that evening I watched once again a nondual speaker, this time a new one, that I had never watched before. And she said the words "This is already free, this is already complete as it is." Or something like that. And even though I had heard those same lines or something of that sort over and over and over again. This time it clicked somehow somewhere deeper than the mind. There was this release or expansion of energy in the body. I bursted out laughing and crying out of joy. And I was just mesmerized by the beauty and simplicity of all this. I couldn't stop laughing. At times my mind came up like "It can't be this simple". Yet I just continued laughing. It really was that simple. There no longer was an individual to be found. There no longer was that sense of self, and it was very clear that there never was. It was just a thought formed identity, that is somehow energetically rooted in to the body. I had no understanding of anything. It was clear how all the conceptual knowledge was just like a layer of mind created illusory reality that was glued on top of the sense perceptions. I could see clearly past this conceptual mind just pure sensing of everything. It wasn't anything exotic. Just very familiar from childhood. Like being a child again without the added heaviness that comes with the mind created "I". And the mind created "world" that the "I" lives in.
So the following weeks I lived in blissfull state, just spending my time in the nature and outside. I smiled so much that my face was hurting. I had talks with some people who had this revelation happened in the past. I cried a lot, not out of sadness but for the beauty of all humans and the relationships and everything. It was so touching.
My memory got a lot worse. It was clear how there's no future, no past. The memories used to hold a sort of "reality" in them. It was no longer there, that reality of memories. It was obvious how there's just this immediacy and how the past and the future only exist as imagination in this immediacy. This is something I had known in theory but now it was a lived reality. There was only just this.
I could see how we really don't know anything, how all knowledge is just an attempt of the limited human mind trying to make sense of this mystery in it's limited framework of symbolic understanding. The thoughts were seen kind of as a layer on top of everything but the thoughts no longer were able to distort the perceptions to the meanings given by the mind. It was like prior to this shift in perception, the five sense perceptions were filtered through the mind. And now the mind was an equal parner to all these sense perceptions, not veiling anything behind it. Yet being able to be used if needed.
Deconditioning/Embodiment
(late 2022 - 2023 - On going)
For months I thought that, that was the final step. What more could there be? There's just this? There's no one here. No separation. However it started to become obvious how there's still the old conditioning in the body playing itself out. It appeared as very intense emotions like never before. There was no longer suppression for emotions, so the emotions were 10-fold to what they used to be before. Yet there was no longer that personal identification with the emotions as they came to surface. So it was like each strong emotion came as a surprise. Like wow. And they were no longer "emotions" as they used to be, just pure raw energy in the body without any name or value given by the mind. With no solid reason to be found for them to arise. They arised just as a learned habit and now the reasoning was gone.
There was this intuition that "I" have to go back in to the body to go through this emotional conditioned package that is stored in the nervous system. And getting these emotions triggered one by one and the best way to do that is by putting my life of solitude to an end. By going back in to the world. And I moved back in to my hometown where most of my traumas were originated from. It was just too easy to stay isolated in an city where I knew nobody.
And it was the right move, I've been almost constantly triggered by all kinds of events. It's not very comfortable to do this but there's intuition that this is the way. By getting triggered all the time there's then release from these held attachments by just feeling and meeting the emotions that come with them.
Finally I've re-opened again the book that I bought in the beginning of this journey. The Matt Kahn's book. It's been great help to start opening my heart unconditionally. I've also been studying about Kundalini and finally admitted to myself that I've had a Kundalini arising all these years. Somehow there was the intuition of it along the way but it just didn't appeal to my scientific mind until now. Perhaps my mind has shifted from narrow minded to more open one.
There's been all kinds of involuntary kriyas from snake like moves of the whole body to, chanting in foreign languages, pulling out different kind of faces, hands creating all kinds of mudras that I don't know anything about, yogic asanas, some Qi gong style movements. The kriyas seem to release excess energy and probably move the energy in the body somehow. I don't really understand what they are doing that's just my interpretation that I'm not taking too seriously. :) But the main thing is the kriyas feel nice and relaxing thing to happen now. It feels it's the body's own intelligence healing itself throughout all these movements.
I also spend quite a lot of time talking with people about nonduality. I know how difficult this path can be so it's nice to be supporting for people going through the swamp of spiritual seeking, just to come to the conclusion that there's no need to go across the swamp. What is searched for is already where you are, and there's no swamp. As a bonus for helping others on the way it's like at the same time I'm helping myself.
Going to the lower chakras is very different from the top ones, Now it's heart centered investigation. The mind is of no use in the lower chakras. Similarly to the crown opening, there's "glimpses" of this embodiment through heart. And then there's again contraction of the heart and relaxation. These are very energetic things, I don't understand this at all. But if I would describe it, it's like the chakra would be a hand in fist position and then it might relax for a moment and then get tensed up again. They seem to do this until they are ready to relax completely.
So that's where I am today, relaxing the fist in my chest and lower parts of the body and tightening it again. It's quite surprising how much "package" there is in the body. All the stuff that has been avoided is to be faced now without even the possibility of hiding or repression. There's just no other way around than through.
Writing all this out was quite wonderful, It was fun to retrospectively go back in memories. Even though I never asked for this. I'm so grateful for this blessing that dragged me through a personal hell. As Ram Dass would put it, a fierce grace. I could've never in my dreams imagine what this is like. And this life just doesn't stop surprising me. This is constantly unfolding in mysterious ways.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. Reading yours helped me make more sense of my own. I have a deep feeling of gratitude🙏🏼