My spiritual awakening- a process of ups and downs
Hello everyone, I have analyzed many of the suggestions and opinions regarding the dark night of the soul, I have read that the best thing we can do is not resist and let go. However, in practice it is not so easy, I have been with kundalini awakening for 8 years. At first I did not understand the meaning of the symptoms and manifestations, which in my opinion were quite dramatic and then everything became complicated by the resistance and having sought help in people who said they knew how to handle this energy, which left me with more health complications than I already had. Nowadays I try to get ahead every day, I am a teacher in the nursing area, but honestly there are days when I am tired (since I had complications with kundalini I feel too much physical fatigue) I try to give up, however my only option is work, I can't stay at home and I don't have financial support from anyone. I have tried several remedies to combat the fatigue situation but it ends up being useless since it seems that my kundalini does not respond to external treatments of any kind, this year I turn 32 years old, my awakening began at the age of 23 and since then my life has consisted in surviving the symptoms, I currently have no friends and I have no partner since the process began which makes me feel quite lonely and a little strange since in my country it is not common to be without a partner for so many years, all of the above makes me feel too much personal frustration, I mentally understand that I should not resist the plan of my soul but my heart longs to have had a very different life and I do not know how to handle these feelings of helplessness and humiliation, I have lost many job opportunities due to my physical disability that would have guaranteed a much better economic life, I have a sister who is the pride of my parents, because she has succeeded in every way, for my father I have failed in everything.
It is difficult and painful for me to think that I will be in these conditions for the rest of my life, I think that it is very difficult to belong to Western society and be living a process of transformation alone and without the understanding of anyone around you, having to deal with the judgments and the confusion that the entire process generates in addition to the physical symptoms.
Many years ago before I woke up I imagined that at 32 years old I would find myself married, with children and a settled home, I am 5 days away from a new year of life and I can only feel disconnection with life, sadness and hopelessness, I try to connect with divinity and with my own kundalini, however I feel that in my reality things do not change, I honestly feel stagnant and really want to leave the body and be able to rest.
I have to deal a lot with the suicidal thoughts that come to my mind, I feel very disoriented in life, I feel that by having a kundalini awakening we lose the sense of orientation that is outlined for everyone in Western society, it is like losing. the map and you no longer know how to live, honestly I have been feeling abnormal for years and I don't know how to continue surviving
In your experience, what do you recommend or suggest to deal with frustration and the fact that your lives took turns you never imagined. I would love to read them, blessings to all and thank you.
I don't speak English, use a translator, sorry if it's not very precise.
Fatigue seems so serious problem that it should be talked more about - maybe, in spiritual sciences, we need a collective of scientists researching this? With fatigue, you start giving away time, by waiting for better moments, and time becomes shorter in general; so you live much less in one year and you try to get just though the time you have.
I also have a suggestion that one should concentrate on things, which do not bring these feelings that you want to avoid what you are currently doing - most rewarding things can be done with ease, with some higher energy flowing to get things done, and you forget the fatigue for a while.
As additional information, I felt quite energized until some negative events happened in my life - after that I started to feel that death is very close (I'm 40) and that I have no energy at all. If things don't feel to be going to succeed, it's hard to get yourself doing those things. If they do lead somewhere, you get some bonus energy you normally don't have, and you work with relative ease.
Another thing that we probably need to build a supporting society - spiritual people need to have it all, from software development to the official doctors, which would not try to cure your spirituality, but the negative aspects of it. Such doctors, now, they work mostly in private sector - this means, your tax money is paid to cure someone else -, and they should be more skeptical; really, there is spiritual skepticism - otherwise we do not know, who we can choose.
I think serious research is needed into the topic of fatigue, and into the spiritual fatigue more specifically - but this is also a general life tiredness, which makes you feel weak; once you see brighter perspectives, you have just enough energy to start moving, day by day, and little by little, and to do just enough; actually I felt extreme energy when I saw some perspectives and Visions, but right now in the middle of Hell, life seems empty and meaningless - and thus there is no energy flow. The mental and physical energies, they flow very much in union.